I rest, my thoughts wrapped in silence.
From the days of running as fast as my spirit will let me go.
There are no calls, or places to be, or doorbells ringing like chimes inside my head.
Today I feel no need to run or walk or race into anything.
I stop, still and wait to go nowhere.
It feels good, so good just to be or feel “nothing” for a time. The breeze and the wind chimes are me, my soul at quiet rest. No feeling but Grace, no feeling but gratitude for the same. The peacefulness of nothing to do and nothing left undone.
I balance in the middle, not feeling any urge to stop or start. Not feeling to far behind or to far head.
Just to be.
The outer-self would have gotten angry, put up a fight. It would have felt so good for the moment. Instead? Relax and allow.
I could sense what was happening. The bridge was smoldering as it had many times before. But this time I knew there was no turning back. My boss was heading down a path. I knew he wanted me to resign and walk away.
That would mean no unemployment. Too many employees, not enough work. We’d had our differences over the years. I had complained that my share of work was not enough. Perhaps the newer employees came in at a lower percentage, which meant more for the company to keep, rather than the percentage to those of us with 15 years of experience.
The office manager was in there as a witness to something. I didn’t want to blow up. My heart was pounding. Fight or flight? Hm. I grabbed ahold of one word that had sunk in during collective consciousness classes:
What could have been one of the most horrible events suddenly turned into…relief! We weren’t fighting at all.
What a surprising feeling under the circumstances! So I said it to myself again, “Allow” Before I knew it, he was doing all the talking.
Eventually what came about was the best result I could have wished for: my choice how to end the relationship. No hard feelings on either side.
A year ago I would have been devastated and wallowing in self pity, unable to move forward with all the thoughts in my head and heart, concern for the future, and anger at life’s turn. And dozens of my close friends and family would have shared a similar state of anger and worry with me.
But not at all. Instead, I have set about to restructure my life and plans for the next ten years, something I wouldn’t have stopped to do in the always busy and consumed mindset I had been in for the past decade.
During one of our last sessions we talked about the fact that our biggest “hook” in life is the attachment to the “I”. In a YouTube clip with Mooji concerning the same topic, he emphasizes that this conditioning is started early on in life by giving every child a name, to the mere sound of which the child’s ear becomes accustomed and starts to react. So the “I” is created, and slowly the identification with it as well, by telling the child over and over how smart, pretty, and so on he or she is.
How would it feel not to be programmed like that, to be completely “oblivious” and unattached when people call your name and talk about and/or to you? Let me share an event in my life that might point to that.
I had just come to this country (well-educated and fluent in this language that is not my own) and my first doctor’s appointment was scheduled. When I was born, my parents decided to call me by my middle name, so that’s the name I was accustomed to hearing all my life. Not realizing the importance of my first name on documents like medical history etc., I filled out the necessary forms before I could see the doctor. And then I waited and waited and waited and saw many times the same nurse come in and out and call for this or that person who had entered the waiting area well after me. In between I watched her come out and call what seemed to be the same name over and over –to no avail. After I sat in the waiting area for an extremely long time, I finally marched to the receptionist’s desk to ask what may have caused the hold-up for my appointment. She asked for my name, said she would check with the nurse and let me know. You all can imagine what the reason for the delay had been – I had not recognized the mispronunciation of the name I don’t normally use, a common occurrence here but something I was not yet used to. No one to blame, just one of life’s little misunderstandings!
Coming back to how I imagine our life might be without identification: imagine this scenario (minus my increasing annoyance about the waiting), going about your life “nameless” and accepting everything that comes your way without immediately taking it personally –how liberating that must be!
After watching a movie, when it was over, it totally took me out of my mind. No thoughts were happening. As I sat there, the room and self lightened, seeming less dense. There was no separation between me, the walls, the furniture, and anything in the room. Nothing seemed solid. Everything was blended together, and moving, but as that was happening, fear set in. The moment fear set in, all was solid again.
All that we consider solid forms are forms of space arising in space.
Who would have “thunk” that I would write a children’s book entitled “It’s All About Me”? Well, not me, that is for sure. Well, guess what. I didn’t! I just put words effortlessly on paper. This book actually wrote itself. Words just flowed through me. This is what happens when you allow Spirit, Divine Energy, to speak. And so it did, and so I wrote, and so it is “a book that wrote itself.”
We are so programmed to think of events as good or bad, something that is liked or disliked, something that we want to have over with or more of. What if we came from a more neutral place and viewed each event as just a happening?
It is amazing! The energy to deal with everything evenly is accessible when we notice this habit of our old ways of responding. Yesterday, this was noticed as I picked up my mother from having her nails done at a shop. She lives in a retirement home, and I handle the rides to and from outside appointments as well as her checking account and charge card. I keep her charge card in the front pocket of my purse, and when I went to use it to pay for her nails, it was not there. So, I paid with cash, took her to her home, and proceeded to look in my car and house for this charge card. It was nowhere to be found. The back of my car was filled with bags of mulch, which needed to be spread in my yard. Typically, an old habit, or way of looking at the missing charge card would have been to react with fear or worry, lost in the “what ifs” or paralyzed with what should be done next. Instead, I decided to take care of the yard work, and see if being present to that job was possible without entertaining worry in my body or thoughts. It was. I relaxed into what I was doing. When finished, I called and canceled the charge card, made sure no new charges were on it. Another card with a new number was sent, and the whole event was just another “happening” no different than the mulch job or driving my mother to get her nails done were just “happenings”, all to be dealt with evenly.
What was I to do when a whole new way of “thinking” and “being” was set
squarely in front of me? Curiosity took over and I was knee deep researching
the many, many sages presently living on the planet from the new found
“enlightenment” perspective. It was shocking to find books, articles, you tube
clips, websites, even personal appearances all talking about the idea of waking up
from our conditioned thinking. Talk about being jolted at the very core
when my eyes came upon such phrases as, “What you are searching for is where
you are searching from,” and, “The observer and the observed are one in the
same” and, “I’m an infinite being and that’s all that matters.”
At one time these ideas made no sense. How could they? My mind was so filled
with every day, limited ideas that any “big picture” concepts bounced right off
my head and back into the universe because there was no place for them to
Consider a large lottery ball filled with many little white balls frantically
bouncing around until one is caught and its number could become very
useful to someone. That’s somehow how the possibility of enlightenment
happens. You read or hear about a life changing message called a “pointer”
from one of the “enlightened” individuals. It grabs your attention. After
playing with it for a while you somehow recognize its truth. WOW! On an
energetic level you sense something has left your consciousness (who
knows what) and a touch of inner freedom took its place. Believe me this
happening is worth its weight in gold. Guess what? Slowly it happens
again and again until we find ourselves being, “In the world but not of it.”
It is absolutely wonderful to not be pushed and pulled like a yo-yo
through daily life. This may or may not be a journey towards
“enlightenment,” who knows, but it surely is a trip worth everything it has
to offer. REALLY!